10/5/2023, 10:12pm - WRITTEN SLEEPY! so, i'm moving back to my parents house.

my dad came tonight and helped me pack a lot of stuff up in my apartment. i don't really feel bad about it. i rushed and/or was rushed way too fast into a graduate program and broke after less than a month. clearly i wasn't happy, well or meant for such an experience at this specific time in my life. and i would rather be directionless & feel grateful to get up each morning than be given specific tasks but feel severely depressed.

when i get back to my hometown, im going to be taking two online courses on a personal (special?) interest and sewing a cosplay (for the first time!) while the semester runs its course... maybe i'll find a local international folkdance organization and bike with my dad twice a week? i really gotta lose 10 pounds.

as for getting a job... it's tricky. im waiting to see if i get into this 4-month research internship experience thing that'd run january to april, so i can't exactly get a job rn and drop it 3 months later. volunteering right nows tricky too. so my plan is to deep think and figure out a plan properly.

the way i see it, the options are some scrambled-up mix of getting/not getting into the program, doing certificates, taking classes, informational interviews, applying for a summer research position, possibly taking a week or two to visit my cousin in hungary and getting a serious in-field job.

the issue is that i keep drawing a blank on what field i want to pursue. the other issue is that it's really, really easy to want to be a total lump of coal and sawdust, rather than a person who can accept they get something back from helping other humans when humans are so often completley aggravating and dense. im half-asleep and could go on forever.

tldr the most terrifying thing for someone who used to be the "not funny haha, funny WEIRD" kid is stepping into a role in your life with any sort of conviction. it just ends up being an internal argument back and forth with yourself about whether being genuine about your needs is a reasonable trade off for having been as percieved having them by the world

i don't know. my eyes keep shutting as i type and im missing keys right and left. i gotta head off to bed. night, everyone.